Chunky, Aging and THICK

What is wrong with me?

Maybe that should have been in all caps, with extra question marks and exclamation points, but the message should be clear.  I'll be put on public display in less than a week, and for the past two months, I can't stop eating.  I've always bordered on heavier than I wanted to be, and I've tipped over the edge lately.  Clothes are a little tighter, getting winded more easily...I have gotten to the point where I disgust myself more than just a bit.

You might not be able to tell, but as a younger guy, I was pretty athletic.  Good hand eye coordination, understood the game enough to be in the right place at the right time.  Rebounded better than I should have.  And I played for quite a long time, pick up games over lunch, etc.  But as with most of us aging athletes, my joints decided it was better to not do such strenuous things.  My downfall was my Achilles.  Got tendonitis, could play, but then barely walk for two days, then play again, vicious cycle.  Another lost opportunity for sneaking a peek at dicks and butts.  Well, that had gone by the wayside when they redid the locker room with stall showers.  I mean really...who needs them?

But now, I enjoy food, and rest, more than a semi-athletic build.  So I need to get back on the wagon.  A busy schedule doesn't help, the new job made it much more difficult to get away, and my motivation needs a boost.  I hope that summer can help with that.  I need to be in better shape when I referee ball games.

On the food side, I can't seem to get full.  I could snack all day if I let myself. The control needs to come back, and with it, I'll move in the right direction.  It certainly doesn't help to land the hotties when you're not feeling good about yourself.

(You guys told me it was therapeutic...so no complaining when I get whiny!)

Do I have a story for today?  Ok, a small one.

My first "threesome" involved my HS buddy, and another neighbor.  A bunch of 16 year olds messing around in the basement of my house, naked, sucking some dick.  What could go wrong, huh?  Well, Mom came home early, and headed down to get something out of the freezer.  We were less than quiet while scrambling around looking for clothes, and she came into the back room to see what was up.

Imagine, me naked with a hardon, crouching behind a chair, my one buddy beside a dresser in the corner...the other one had done a dive under the bed.  Mom turned and left the room, hollering that I needed to come up and see her...NOW.

I suppose I was lucky.  She didn't see the one under the bed, so she just assumed it was me and my regular bud, doing some exploring.  We talked about right and wrong (according to her), and how, while that's natural, she doesn't want me doing it.  She assumed it was jerking each other off.  Little did she know...and how would she have freaked out if she knew there were three of us sucking each other off!

By the way, although I didn't get to play all that often with my third neighbor, he was a sight to behold.  Loved to lift weights, blonde, nearly hairless, and a not too long, but nice thick cock.  Knowing now what I wish i knew then, I would love to get back with him and ride that dick to stretch my ass a bit.  Ah, memories...

Disappointment, Early Arrivals, and Farm Equipment

I feel like sometimes I disappoint.  I suppose it's related to the self esteem issue that I battle, but there's a touch of perfectionism, a little bit of not measuring up, and probably just a lot of nothing when I feel this way.  I did get to stop and visit a guy on the road Friday, a visitor in a hotel room...an ideal setup.  And me, having not gotten any at home, had a big load (that's a positive) that blasted out way too early (that's the negative).  He was nice, enjoyed playing a bit with my load, and it didn't seem to bother him.  But it bothered me.

When I get to stop and play, I want to make the most of it.  And a 5 minute roll around wasn't exactly what I was hoping for.  So I disappointed myself that I wasn't able to take full advantage of the time I had.  Is this a common thing, being hard on yourself for performance?  It's probably a little bit that way, but also people aren't likely to share this info when talking about their conquests.  Why wouldn't you brag about your prowess, how you fucked him til he couldn't walk, when you have the chance?

I suppose that's why I lean a little more to the bottom side lately, it certainly takes the pressure off from that perspective.  And who doesn't want a big dick bottom?

My first time on the bottom was, as I'm sure it is for most people, a difficult, somewhat painful experience.  I had chatted up a guy on gay.com (wow, how long ago was this??) chat room, and he was staying in a hotel in downtown Des Moines.  I was going to have some free time while in town, and we made arrangements for me to stop over.  He was a nice looking guy, farm type, skinny, reddish brown hair, here for a farm equipment meeting (cliche, huh?)  We made out a bit, and he made it clear he wanted to fuck me.  I'd only had one dick in me before that, and while it was not an accident, it didn't last for me.  It was before I understood the immense value of warming up and lube.

This guy was good, patient, and took plenty of breaks as we worked toward him getting into my ass.  The time was well spent, as once I got used to the invader, I enjoyed the feeling of fullness.  I was glad he was on the thinner side of cocks, made things easier.  So being face down and getting drilled, albeit relatively gently and carefully, was something that I found out I enjoyed, and would like to try again.  Regardless of what those sexy stories online tell us about a first time, going in dry, taking a huge one, I would imagine that would be a bit much for all but the most sadistic bottoms.

Drive bys and Self Esteem

I only work a half day today, many errands to run as we prepare for our big event. I'm transporting my mother in law today, so will have some windshield time to sit, think, and listen to my favorite podcasts.  Driving has always been something I enjoy, I suppose it's the fact that motion sickness takes over if I am stuck in the back seat and can't see the road.  I blame my father, who couldn't even go out on a boat without feeling nauseated.  Plus, I like being in control (foreshadowing, perhaps?  doubtful.)

When I drive any distance I like to see if I can find a quick stop somewhere and scrounge up a little fun.  This path takes me past a couple of major metro areas, so opportunity is sometimes there.  It's a crapshoot, and many times I get my hopes up and then it doesn't work out.  Why am I disappointed when that's the outcome?

I've struggled with low self esteem my entire life.  I was a sensitive kid, bullied a bit through school (nothing physical, just name calling and social shunning), didn't have any girls interested in me until halfway through my senior year, and never fucked one until i was 19.  Never really though I measured up, was not willing to risk going up to a girl and being rejected.  I'm told that I have nice equipment - by guys, I've never had a girl tell me I had a big dick, or was a good lay.  I suppose if I would have had some positive feedback from the female side of things, it would have helped me feel better about  things. 

It's funny.  By and large, I'm a very confident person at work, at home, out in public (I referee basketball and know I do a good job, don't take any crap there).  But I'm filled with insecurities when it comes to acceptance and rejection of me as a potential partner.  Does it all go back to my lack of success as a young person?  Why do I care what other people think of me, especially randoms on a Grindr or A4A? I need to get over myself in that area.

On my travels, I've run into guys who are really into my whole "Daddy" vibe, I suppose in the bigger cities there's much more opportunity for people with specific wants and needs to find each other.  I still occasionally communicate with one of my former hookups from Chicago, wishing we could find a way to get back together.  Hot HOT younger guy, who was really into me.  I could get used to that attention.  And you would think that would help with my insecurities. It probably does, if I allow it.

OK, so I've begun to tell my story, with a hopefully related sex story at the end.  So, here goes.

I was in Chicago for a conference.  I came to this particular one each year, with mixed success in the hookup area.  Too many missed connections.  This time, I placed a craigslist ad, and hoped for the best.  I actually was searching for a MW couple, thinking that would be totally awesome and fun.  I think that's true for me, but I still haven't made it happen.  C answered the ad, said he had a girlfriend that might be interested and he was bi-friendly.  We communicated, did a little dirty talk and fantasized, and arranged to connect when I got to town. 

Needless to say, I was worked up by the time I arrived.  Dropped him a quick note, he was working, but arranged to meet me after work at a restaurant/bar a few blocks from my hotel.  I texted him, and he said he'd meet me out front.  I waited, but didn't see him.  I suppose we should have given descriptions to each other besides "6-2, 210, brown hair". 

I text again, and he said he was with a group, but had told them he was meeting a friend.  He'd be right out to get me.  Now, in all the talk, he'd really never described himself all that much.  So when a tall good looking black man waved me over, I was stunned.  If I looked like that, I'd tell and show everyone!  We quick hugged, and headed in to the bar.

He was with a group of 5 or 6 others, and we had a nice time, a couple drinks, and many hidden text messages back and forth.  I still was having a hard time believing this stud would be interested in me. (See above...)

I did have meetings in the morning, so a little after 10, I begged out of the gathering, and C offered to give me a ride back to the hotel.  Being a good visitor, I invited him up to the room for the marvelous view of the river and downtown.  Once in the room, this magnificent beast took me in his arms and kissed me hard and deep.  We spent a nice amount of time pressed against each other on the bed, kissing and touching each other. 

I don't remember whose or what articles of clothing came off first, but once it began, it wasn't long until we were completely naked, and I was blowing him as best I knew how.  A 69 followed, with hands, lips and tongues all over each other.  By this time, I wanted him in me so bad, and he was more than up for the challenge.

After eating my ass like it was his last meal, he slid into me, and we were finally connected.  Sometimes I would be hard pressed to remember any details about a hookup.  This one, however, I have such vivid memories of.  The softness of his skin, the taste of his lips.  The feel of his ass flexing as i pulled him deeper into me.  The fullness I felt, and the emptiness when he pulled out and sprayed my chest with his cum. All of these sensations are still with me after years.

I cannot wait to figure out how to hook up with him again.

Celebrations, Friends, and Head

Just had a celebration at work, and a big one coming up at our house.  Too often we don't celebrate our accomplishments, or milestones, or just making it through a rough patch.  I know for me it is one of those things, I don't care to celebrate my birthday, or want a big fuss about Father's Day, but do want to be sure others are recognized for their accomplishments.

I suppose it's being a people pleaser, wanting to be sure everyone gets along and feels good about themselves.  But at the same time, it's also something I struggle with, as once in a while I'd like some of my own.  We aren't big on parties at home, for mom and dad.  We are big on making the kids feel special.  So when I turned 50 (i know, right?  old...) I had this hope in the back of my head someone would do a little something for me.  We went out for supper, but we do that a couple times a week anyway. So no surprise party, no black balloons, and I was in an environment at work that wasn't conducive to celebrating.  My new department would do a lot better with that, should have moved earlier.

Another complicating factor would be that I don't have very many close friends.  We are a pretty tight group at home, and don't get out much, have very few friends as couples, our neighborhood folks pretty much keep to themselves. I miss having a close friend or two that i could do things with.  I always wanted a golfing buddy, it just never happened.  Now, if i could have a golfing buddy with benefits...sign up below, I guess.  Interviews will be held in a couple weeks.

Oh, I guess I'm supposed to talk about my sexual endeavors on here as well...I guess I should start at the beginning?

I was introduced to blowjobs by the gay neighbor boy at a sleepover.  We were in adjoining sleeping bags, and since i was a horny 15 year old, I was accepting to whatever happened.  I don't recall all that many details, but I do recall having to sneak past my folks to the bathroom to clean up the mess that was made on my stomach.  He and I remained BJ buddies through my graduation from High School.  I miss having that kind of a friend, both with and without our dicks in each others mouths.

I suppose that was my first experience, how about you?  A friend, neighbor, ??  How did you explore when you were first starting out?

Intro

I'm inspired by my new friend to dip a toe into the blogging world.  Will it be good for me?  Cathartic?  A place to brag?  Maybe all the above.  But I've always been told writing is good to get things out, so this is my somewhat futile attempt to do just that.

So, as means of an introduction, it just sounds like a cliche from an old Penthouse Forum letter.  "I am a married man in a small midwestern town, and I never thought something like this would happen to me..."

When you grow up in a town of 1500 people, you really do think that anything outside that 2.5 kids, picket fence and a dog life is sort of unthinkable.  And even when you spend some time fucking around with the neighbor boys in high school and learning the finer points of fellatio, you head off to college, looking for what you think is the right thing.

I remember seeing a classmate leaning into a car to kiss his boyfriend after he was dropped off at class, and thinking how brave that was of him (this was the mid 80's) to do that right in a parking lot.  I never thought, like many of my peers, that anything was out of the ordinary with it, so maybe that was my clue.  But my relationships were always with a girl, since that was the socially acceptable thing in my group of former high school athletes that I hung out with.

I purchased dirty magazines, not Playboy, but Penthouse for the bisexual/gay stories, and Hustler because they actually showed dicks.  I studied those pictures, thought about the body parts, so different, but both so attractive.  I longed to explore each one.  In these pre-internet days, that was it.  Longing, dreaming, but not acting. 

Then I was a teacher in another small town nearby.  How would it look if...?  was always running through my brain.  Always worried about others perceptions, and rightfully so, as teachers are held to much higher standards than the church going community (who were drinking, drugging, and screwing around on each other the whole time.)

I married, had kids, built a house, a life.  She's great.  Absolutely love her fully.  But even that couldn't keep me from wondering.  Wondering led to exploring (hello, world wide web!).  Exploring led to acting on it.  And finding out that I still did enjoy being with another guy.  And learning more about what I liked outside of the missionary position and occasional 69 of my marriage bed.

So, hence the title of the blog.  I am constantly walking the fine line between what she wants me to do, and what I want to do.  I've stumbled, and fallen.  Gotten back up.  Done the right thing for a while.  Stumbled again.  And now here I am.  On the tightrope again.