Intro

I'm inspired by my new friend to dip a toe into the blogging world.  Will it be good for me?  Cathartic?  A place to brag?  Maybe all the above.  But I've always been told writing is good to get things out, so this is my somewhat futile attempt to do just that.

So, as means of an introduction, it just sounds like a cliche from an old Penthouse Forum letter.  "I am a married man in a small midwestern town, and I never thought something like this would happen to me..."

When you grow up in a town of 1500 people, you really do think that anything outside that 2.5 kids, picket fence and a dog life is sort of unthinkable.  And even when you spend some time fucking around with the neighbor boys in high school and learning the finer points of fellatio, you head off to college, looking for what you think is the right thing.

I remember seeing a classmate leaning into a car to kiss his boyfriend after he was dropped off at class, and thinking how brave that was of him (this was the mid 80's) to do that right in a parking lot.  I never thought, like many of my peers, that anything was out of the ordinary with it, so maybe that was my clue.  But my relationships were always with a girl, since that was the socially acceptable thing in my group of former high school athletes that I hung out with.

I purchased dirty magazines, not Playboy, but Penthouse for the bisexual/gay stories, and Hustler because they actually showed dicks.  I studied those pictures, thought about the body parts, so different, but both so attractive.  I longed to explore each one.  In these pre-internet days, that was it.  Longing, dreaming, but not acting. 

Then I was a teacher in another small town nearby.  How would it look if...?  was always running through my brain.  Always worried about others perceptions, and rightfully so, as teachers are held to much higher standards than the church going community (who were drinking, drugging, and screwing around on each other the whole time.)

I married, had kids, built a house, a life.  She's great.  Absolutely love her fully.  But even that couldn't keep me from wondering.  Wondering led to exploring (hello, world wide web!).  Exploring led to acting on it.  And finding out that I still did enjoy being with another guy.  And learning more about what I liked outside of the missionary position and occasional 69 of my marriage bed.

So, hence the title of the blog.  I am constantly walking the fine line between what she wants me to do, and what I want to do.  I've stumbled, and fallen.  Gotten back up.  Done the right thing for a while.  Stumbled again.  And now here I am.  On the tightrope again.